Can I Stay???

So it's been about two weeks since I've written a blog post. I've spent the past two weeks getting to know Big D better and checking in on Mr. R to make sure he's coping with the new adddition. I would be lying if I said it hasn't been a long two weeks. Both love their X-box's, and playing board games, as well as watching youtube. Both are growing boys who always seem to eat food. (NOT exaggerating, they always seem to have food in their hands). That being said, I LOVE both of those boys to death. 

Part of having them here, is that Big D, goes to school about 45min awsay from where I live which means twice a day I get to drive and pick him up. Thank God for friends who are willing to help out ocassionally. But driving with Big D is great, because it gives us time to talk and get to know each other better. In doing so, he asked last week, "Can I Stay?" 

Can I Stay??? there is no right answer to that. I want him safe, I want him to know he is loved, and right now he feels that. But at the same time, I wanted him to know that as much I want him to be safe, that I want to make sure that he knows even if his mom isn't perfect that she loves him and wants him to be loved and safe. The problem is that at 15, Big D has his feelings, and its not his first rodeo so to speak. I told him, that his feelings were valid, and that I wanted him to know they were valid and that we would keep the conversation going. 

Can I Stay??? As a foster parent, its so hard to not to say, "Yes, you can stay. Yes I want you to be safe." Instead I scream those thoughts inside while reminding the kids that it's okay to be mad, to be angry, to not want to trust someone. It's okay to love them, to want to believe in them, but it''s okay to not to trust them. 

Can I Stay???It's often another way of saying, "I feel safe."  If I'm being honest that's all I want, is for the kid's that come through my doors, for whatever amount of time, whether it's one day or forever, I just want them to know they are safe. 

Perhaps that is why things like what they eat, how much, the rules, bed times, and even school work don't matter at the beginning. In the beginning it's about making them feel safe. 

so...CAN I STAY????

Above: BIG D, playing CLUE with MR. R and me